2009 CALENDAR OF THE WEIRD
Aug. 11: The Charleston RiverDogs minor league baseball team stages “Illegal Use of Your Ed Hochuli Night” in which an impersonator of the much-maligned ref is much-maligned.
Sept. 10: In the NFL season opener, Santonio Holmes catches nine passes for 131 yards and one touchdown — his precise totals of the previous game he played, Super Bowl XLIII.
Sept. 13: The longest final-minute play from scrimmage (87 yards) to win a game in NFL history is completed when Denver’s Brandon Stokley grabs a pass deflected by Cincinnati cornerback Leon Hall and is off to the races.
Sept. 13: Miami’s Greg Camarillo literally pulls a play out of his butt, “catching” the ball between his thighs while falling on his face, then gyrating the pigskin into his hands before it hits the ground.
Sept. 20: Despite being outgained 409 yards to 166, and with JaMarcus Russell completing three of his first 18 passing attempts for 42 yards, the Raiders defeat the Chiefs, 13–10.
Sept. 20: Frank Gore rushes for 207 yards against Seattle — 206 of them before the second snap of the second half.
Sept. 20: Prior to his induction in the Broncos’ Ring of Fame, Shannon Sharpe sky-dives into Invesco Field at Mile High Stadium.
Sept. 20: After the Giants’ Bruce Johnson takes a Tony Romo pick to the house, the TV cameras show Dallas owner Jerry Jones picking his nose.
Sept. 21: The Colts use a quick-stun offense against the Dolphins to become the first team ever to win a game with a time of possession under 15 minutes.
Sept. 27: JaMarcus Russell is pictured as Oakland’s Player of the Game on cbssports.com after he completes 12-of-21 passes for 61 yards with two interceptions in a 23–3 loss to Denver.
Sept. 27: Tom Coughlin decides to expose his compassionate side prior to a game by going to players’ lockers and taking orders for the flavor of Gatorade they like best, then delivering it.
Oct. 4: The Broncos assume the AFC lead in defense with a unit that starts eight players who were let go by other teams.
Oct. 5: Green Bay’s Johnny Jolly spikes the ball so emphatically after recovering a fumble that his helmet pops off.
Oct. 11: The Browns’ 2-of-17 passing game trumps nine false starts by the Bills, and Cleveland prevails for its first win, 6–3.
Oct. 14: Eric Mangini, recently scolded for not including a banged-up Brett Favre on the Jets’ injury report for a 2008 game, retaliates by listing more than one-third of Cleveland’s roster.
Oct. 18: The Redskins lose for the fourth time while playing their sixth consecutive winless opponent to open the season.
Oct. 18: Tom Brady torches the Titans for five touchdown passes in a span of nine minutes, 44 seconds of the second quarter.
Oct. 18: Five consecutive drives in the Browns-Steelers game end in fumbles.
Oct. 19: Broncos return man Eddie Royal goes not only untackled by a Charger as he travels 164 yards with punt and kickoff return touchdowns, he goes untouched.
Oct. 23: Chad Ochocinco is fined $10,000 for wearing a black chin strap — $2,500 more than Larry English is docked for his horse-collar tackle on the same day.
Oct. 25: The average margin of victory of the 12 games is 21.2 points.
Oct. 25: Cardinals running back Jason Wright is seen scurrying across the field in fright during play stoppage against the Giants, evading a field mouse.
Oct. 26: The Eagles defeat the Redskins, 27–17, despite not taking one snap in the red zone.
Nov. 1: There are 14 plays of 50 or more yards in the week’s action, including the first game ever with four such rushes (two apiece by Chris Johnson and Maurice Jones-Drew).
Nov. 1: Derek Anderson ends the day with a passer rating of 36.2 for the season. Had he thrown incompletions on all 154 of his attempts, it would be 39.6.
Nov. 1: Sharing a schedule of live events with the NFL are the World Series, NASCAR, the NHL, NBA, PGA, MLS, WTA and ATP.
Nov. 8: Randy Moss catches a pass of at least 70 yards from his fifth different quarterback (Tom Brady).
Nov. 8: The New York Football Giants honor skipper Joe Girardi of the New York Baseball Yankees at a break in their game, and identify him on the scoreboard as “general manager.”
Nov. 15: Prior to a win over the Eagles, LaDainian Tomlinson opens a gift left in his locker by his wife — a positive pregnancy test.
Nov. 16: The Browns are mistakenly awarded four timeouts in the second half, but their offensive famine still reaches five offensive touchdowns in their last 15 games (a period during which they change starting quarterbacks seven times).
Nov. 22: The Lions defeat the one-win Browns to terminate a 78-game losing streak in games in which they committed more turnovers than their opponent.
Nov. 22: The Steelers allow a return touchdown for the eighth consecutive game.
Nov. 23: The Elias Sports Bureau reports that Tennessee is the first team ever to play and win three straight games that were tied at the end of three quarters.
Nov. 29: Quarterback Brady Quinn runs for a touchdown and catches a pass against Cincinnati.
Nov. 29: After being outscored, 54–0, in their previous three fourth quarters, the Bills outscore the Dolphins, 24–0.
Nov. 29: Backup Falcons quarterback Chris Redman scatters 15 incomplete passes in the fourth quarter, but his final toss is a touchdown that beats the Bucs with 23 seconds remaining.
Dec. 3: The Jets conclude their season series with the Bills by rushing for 567 yards in two games, yet manage only two touchdowns.
Dec. 6: After completing five touchdown passes in their first 47 quarters of the season, the Raiders connect for three in the final nine minutes of an upset in Pittsburgh.
Dec. 7: The Packers and Ravens rack up 310 yards in penalties, nine of which are pass interference calls.
Dec. 9: Chad Ochocinco reveals that he sets aside $100,000 at the beginning of every season to pay his inevitable fines.
Dec. 10: James Harrison’s 62-year-old mother, Mildred, is charged with assault for her part in a rumble at a Veterans of Foreign Wars viewing party for the Steelers-Browns game.
Dec. 13: Vincent Fuller of Tennessee makes the fifth interception of his career, and the fourth he has returned for a touchdown — all coming in games he didn’t start.
Dec. 13: Denver’s final play of its loss to the Colts is a post-pass reception lateral by Brandon Marshall to 303-pound guard Chris Kuper.
Dec. 17: In a war with Jacksonville that features an NFL record-tying nine lead changes, the Colts claim a mark all their own by winning a game they trailed in the fourth quarter for the seventh time in the season.
Dec. 20: STATS LLC reports that the Steelers’ win over the Packers is the first 37–36 game in NFL history.
Dec. 20: Ben Roethlisberger and Aaron Rodgers sling for the most gross yards (886) ever by opposing quarterbacks without an interception.
Dec. 20: Oakland defensive tackle Tommy Kelly’s pants fall to his knees during a tackle.
Dec. 23: Teammates unanimously vote Michael Vick the Eagles’ Ed Block Courage Award five months after he completed a federal prison sentence for the “courage” he showed in confining, depriving, torturing and killing countless dogs for fun and profit.
Dec. 27: In only his second NFL start, Carolina’s Jonathan Stewart is the first and last player to rush for more than 200 yards in the 283 times the Giants played at the Meadowlands.
Dec. 27: Carolina’s Steve Smith catches a pass near the goal line while taking a hit that breaks his arm, then fights his way into the end zone.
Jan. 3: The Titans win their eighth game following an 0–6 start, while the Broncos lose their eighth after a 6–0 start.
Jan. 3: The Chiefs, in their season finale, score their initial first-quarter touchdown from scrimmage of the season.
Jan. 3: With a two-yard rush in the fourth quarter, Miami fullback Lousaka Polite finishes the season 16-for-16 in third- and fourth-down conversions.
Jan. 3: Eagles linebacker Will Witherspoon, an October acquisition from St. Louis, plays in his 17th regular-season game.
Jan. 15: The Wall Street Journal releases a report saying that the average duration of actual action in NFL games in its study was 11 minutes.
Jan. 16: Arizona sets a record for most points allowed in consecutive playoff games (80, including 70 in a span of four quarters) before the second half against New Orleans even starts.
Jan. 19: In a matter of hours, the Cowboys paste the headline “Phillips Returning — Coach To Get Three-Year Deal With Cowboys” on their website, deny a deal has been made and then confirm that one has.
Feb. 8: The Virginian-Pilot newspaper in Norfolk sports the post-Super Bowl headline, “Colts 31, Saints 17.”
Feb . 12: On her TV show, Oprah Winfrey attempts to wipe a birthmark off Drew Brees’ cheek, thinking it is a lipstick smudge.
Feb. 15: Hall of Fame cornerback Darrell Green runs a 4.43 40 on his 50th birthday. Or so he tweets.
Mar. 7: The Jets advance newly signed Antonio Cromartie, who admits to siring seven children by six women in five states, a half-mil to help with his paternity suits.
